366 Days of Alignment

Day 62: Calming

2012-03-01T13:09:00.000Z

Stop. This is not the way to go about your thoughts. You are 'all over the place' because you are not appreciating who you really are.

Yes, you can ask questions and I can talk. Antagonism is because you are growing out of your former frame. That's a good feeling, isn't it? I can tell you lots. Just ask the questions.

Just as soon as you relax completely. Yes, really. Do you want to give it a try?

No, nothing else. Give it a try now. Get into that frame of mind. Start with now until you go to bed tonight.

Day 61: Assuaging

2012-02-29T23:23:00.001Z

Yes, NONE of this should be presented with readers in mind. The transformation of your life will not occur because of others' reaction to you. Let us get on to the matter in hand. My voice has come to you before, but you did not trust it enough to allow it full rein. Now, the process has been organic, and also you are ready because of the preparation you have undertaken believing in yourself. Just as one used to say 'Belief in God'!

I know that you feel trapped and to a certain extent fearful in a particular area. You have been spinning here for a while, so it would be good to progress this at once. The first step out of the spin: yes, a great thought - transcribing a similar channel such as this has actually put you in touch with this. Do it again the forthcoming time; do it wholeheartedly in the knowledge that it has actually given you what you wanted: namely, access to your own voice.

Great things will come of this. Although you say, 'We can't all be at the top of the game,' there is nothing to say that you could not be at the top of the game.

We will continue this after you have rested.

Day 61: Bouncy

2012-02-29T20:39:00.000Z

Why on earth would you want to feel that?

Well, we will have to arrange that the feeling place comprehends it as well [as the intellectual one].

I can tell you quite a lot [to make you feel better]. Yes, I'm glad you asked. Here it is:

Your body is a projection of your thought, and as such, reflects your frame of mind. This is good news, because what others think has absolutely nothing to do with it. Do you really get that? And what you observe in others' bodies is also irrelevant; even when you are moved by the beauty of a body, it is only insofar as you recognise that quality in yourself. Try it. Recognise that quality in yourself of the most beautiful body you know. How does it feel? Yes, a private thing. Know it. Keep that secret knowing. It is good. It is a relief. That which you see is actually yours. It is only you who is creating the illusion of detachment from that beauty, and therefore you 'see' something completely different. It feels like pain, and that is the proof that you are kidding yourself. Because nothing that is true is painful.

Remember and recall all the bodies that have inspired you and filled you with awe. You are every one of them; it would not be possible to see what you see if you weren't. Why is this? Because your deepest knowing knows yourself to be beautiful, without any mitigation whatsoever, and all beauty you perceive is a reflection of the knowing; you know it to be beautiful because you know what beauty is which is what you are.

Day 60: Coming to Me

2012-02-28T22:34:00.001Z

Yes, it's good that you have come again to ask your questions.

Why would you create something that you fear? No, it's not because you are stupid. Neither are you stuck. Ask me more specific questions and I will tell you what to do.

'First of all' - I am part of you. 'Outer space entities' do not suit your temperament. Yes, there is much humour when you lighten up.

Keep on allowing the money to flow. (You have many objections!) it doesn't matter what form the money takes. It is good that recently you have been enjoying the ability to buy what you have been wanting to buy. You are returning to this subject because it is a lesson you will teach. 'Lesson' is a useful word that goes with the expression 'teach'.

Yes, your thoughts are running on ahead and you are finding it a challenge to keep up. You can go faster with a laptop keyboard. The phone is good for other reasons such as portability. 'Nothing is out of bounds' as Abraham has been saying.

Yes, of COURSE I know Abraham.

Day 59: Receiving My Own Answers

2012-02-27T13:37:00.001Z

[I am continuing to receive answers to my specific questions:]

There is no way that you are in any danger at all.

No, I'm not 'Just telling you what you want to hear'. This is from a deeper place. This is the truth.

Because it makes you feel so good to hear it.

Esther Hicks, and you, and all who hear things and feel good, know the truth of them.

Yes, you are fighting it, but you know why (don't you). It is because unless you fight all the answers with any contrary thoughts you may be having, you will never be able to prove that the contrary thoughts will not overcome the answers. And how are you feeling about the result of the 'battle'?

Yes, it is good to feel justified. Yes, it's fine to want vindication.

All you have to do is follow this path, and the cumulative effect is more than you are at present realising.

Yes, there is indeed a pun there, because 'realise' means 'bring into existence', as well as meaning understanding, and also making harmonies and music out of a single bass line ('realising the bass' from the baroque period of classical music). The pun is enriching the meaning to show that there is potential not as yet experienced with your senses.

Yes, you have picked up some of the cadences. It is good to find a language that has had some precedent in your joy.

Then don't use it if it doesn't suit you. We would ask that you try it and see where it leads.

[Me: Oh sh*t! Now what am I saying!]

Day 58: More Specific Answers

2012-02-27T01:02:00.001Z

Keep calm. Everything is going to be OK. There is no need to worry.

What sort of answer did you hope to have? Did you think it wouldn't be good?

The results you see will match your feelings.

Why does it need to be interesting for others to read? These answers are for you.

This is the voice of who you really are. No, there are no other words. It will take practice. It will come automatically after a while.

Just believe in what I am saying. It is as the words translate it to be. You will see how everything turns out to be true.

Day 57: Specific Answers about Money

2012-02-26T15:35:00.000Z

Yes, it is fine to be thinking about money.

Why should you feel embarrassed?

Why should you feel uncomfortable?

Yes, I see what you mean. You would need to clear up that misconception before your life can embrace wealth (affluence without a catch).

Start by relaxing around the idea of money.

Yes, I know you have all those feelings.

It's probably better to get those feelings out. Can you do that now? Yes, throw it all out at once.

You will come with me and experience a new world.

Yes, it would be the persistent doubt that would sabotage your energy of allowing.

It is good: this subject drains out all the negatives.

You can feel them draining out, like piercing an abscess.

If you stick with it, you will feel how it drains out to nothing. You could do that now.

Do you see how now it's more difficult to conjure a negative?

The only way you can see what good it will do is to experience the consequences. Would it not be worth giving it a go?

Yes, I can help you with this. Let's give it a go.

Well, there's always a first time.

Day 56: Specific Answers

2012-02-25T13:12:00.001Z

Don't worry - everything will be OK.

Allow yourself to feel relaxed.

He is the one who is out of alignment.

This voice feels good (that is proof!).

Just relax and enjoy your day.

Only act if it FEELS GOOD.

Listen to yourself having a good day.

He is the one out of alignment.

How can this be anything but good for the children? [Following this.]

Day 55: Some Answers

2012-02-24T23:38:00.001Z

Yes, you will.

Just keep doing exactly what you're doing now.

You'll manage really well.

Yes, you can ask any question you want.

Just trust.

No, all you have to do is trust.

Yes - be yourself. Always be who you are.

No, that's all for know.

Day 54: Lifting Restrictions

2012-02-23T22:41:00.001Z

This is a new thought (for me); to lift the restrictions I have imposed on what I consume; for fear of being - thought - greedy; holding back every day of my life.

So what now I can do is release those bonds, and this is what it will be like: free rein to where I want to go, what I want to have, contemplating people with whom I want to be; allowing myself this or that desire without cutting it off; knowing yes, it is possible; participating in the expansion of my awareness.

Now I am looking forward to tomorrow because I can try all this out: I have never been so big nor thought until now that I could be bigger.

Day 53: Soothing

2012-02-22T23:52:00.001Z

Once again, the end of a long day of 18 hours. slipping this in before sleep.

Accessing the space where everything is easy. That doesn't mean out-of-focus or sloppy. It betokens the lack of worry; the possession of ease.

Contemplate a subject, and it's ok. Any one. Relax into that. Even the one that was the scariest.

It's an energy thing, not a conceptual one. Feeling of relaxation in the body. Choose any subject. See how easy it is. Notice you are not worried about it; it's going to work out; you will find everything you need.

Day 52: Speaking

2012-02-21T23:37:00.001Z

Writing feels so different these days. I don't feel inclined to get back into the mindset of how I used to be, so instead, I'll look at it from this perspective here.

I am connected - that must be it. What does that word mean? I feel that 'myself' and 'other' blend into each other, but that is not a fused kind of thing. It means I am warm and safe. Like I must have been before birth. How could anything untoward possibly happen if this is the salient feeling?

Day 51: In the Moment

2012-02-20T21:39:00.000Z

Let me try addressing you again, as it seemed to work last time.

This would truly be 'coming out of my shell'.

I had a vision of this (as I've probably said at least once before) several years ago. I drew it during a silly session with someone practicing some sort of psychological crap. Carping on about integrating energies when really, I needed to know that was the last thing I needed to do.

But I digress. A picture came out, by accident, of me addressing you. It came out of somewhere where I know things. It was a little big, the picture, so I put it away, and to the lady, I pretended it meant something else. Something a little smaller.

I haven't quite got round to talking to you yet, have I? I'll do it in the last sentence or so of this piece, before I retire.

I mean, I've been talking as if to you, but I haven't quite taken the plunge. So I'll do it now:

This is the start of speaking to those whom I have attracted, if you like that sort of terminology. I think you probably want something from me which I have been waiting to give you. Why I waited, I don't really want to go into. I'm here now. All that's behind me. I'm out of my shell, so to speak, and beginning to say what I want to say to you.

Aphrodite

Day 50: Verbal Meditation

2012-02-19T23:00:00.000Z

Magic on Gloria

Before retiring to sleep, I will use this space to meditate myself into receptivity of warmth and light - human terms for something beyond words of which we are made, and which sustains and carries.

Rather than artistic, in this instance, the words have a restorative purpose; if I am aware of my breathing within stillness and silence, then here, within a stream of meaning, I can become aware of harmonies and resonances; and yet not difficult to comprehend.

Magic on Gloria angle 2

One final paragraph should do the trick: bringing myself to myself, I am better spending time writing this than allowing my thoughts to race wildly; a few minutes before bed to restore myself to myself, I am ready for a sleep that will be in balance and attunement.

Day 49: Just Being Myself

2012-02-18T22:41:00.001Z

Is it possible to write one word without it being for show? I should write to please myself. Would I even write, then? Let me have a go at what I would write, if anything.

I think I want to take the p*** out of the 'New Age', as I've planned to do.
I'd like to do a satire on the British class system, as well; ditto.
I'd like to carry on with my poetry. It's been a while.
The 'Cup of Coffee Syndrome' book? Let me see. Yeah, it would be quite good to be introspective like that; make some discoveries; point out the pitfalls of blind allegiance to one's conditioning.
The 'Like With The Landrover' book? That is a book about fear. I'd like to pursue that.
The book about not worrying? That would be a book about anxiety? A 'How To' book that my children seemed to think would be good.
They can all be in blog format, in which they evolve over time; I was never very good with a finished product.
Oh yes, and 'Life Is Like Learning To Sing.' Because it is.

If I am myself, I do the witty voice. In 'real life', it has been attacked because, probably, I have feared that it attacked. They can all have the witty voice. This can, as well. How about this writing in this blog? Yeah - it's good. For me, I mean. And the other stuff? Music? Broadcasting? Let's see.

Yes, the music continues.
The broadcasting: I will let it happen easily. Much, much more easily than the previous output. I could just do this or that. The backdrop will be completely apt. I'll look as I want to look. Much easier. More light-hearted. Maybe I will create an audience, which is what I usually need.

Just being myself, without an eye to the reaction. What's that going to lead to? To what is that going to lead? Can but see. Let's do it.

Day 48: God

2012-02-17T23:45:00.001Z

I am no longer allowing God to hurt me. Because I thought that was God, because I thought life was hurting me and God punishing me. Because I thought I deserved something bad. Because I didn't like myself.

I am no longer letting God hurt me. Then the thing that hurts me is myself. I can choose not to do that. I can choose to stop. I can feel better.

I no longer let myself be hurt by God. I stop doing that. I rest in the love of... I am not willing to assign an outside force to God. I am in control of me. I love me. I am ok with me.

I am no longer willing to let God hurt me. I am now free and I have some space. I have a moment or two to take some time. I can just rest in contemplation. I can enjoy this moment.

I am no longer willing to be hurt by God. That's a relief. I close my eyes. I breathe. Why would I do that anyway?

I rest here. I have space here. I am not accountable. I am my own consciousness.

Day 47: A Day Off

2012-02-17T00:12:00.001Z

A day off from writing, but not from alignment, which is a natural state.

Oh look - I wrote something.

Opening, opening - 'I am no longer willing to hurt myself with Life'. Ah! This is the key.

Amen.

Day 46: No Longer

2012-02-15T23:32:00.002Z

Day 44 I asked what my contribution was. I waited for a voice and none came. But some time after (I can't remember if it was that night before I fell asleep, or the next morning), a voice came to me saying, 'Your contribution is to be happy.' I had been wondering if I should write a book, or something. I was thinking in terms of 'giving' something. It is giving, in a way; but being happy is something I can do by concentrating on how I feel, not on what I might be offering.

Day 45 I had a brainwave (what an odd thought). Now, how did it come to me? I'm not sure. But I realised that I'd been using Life to hurt myself. So all I had to do was stop doing that. I spent most of yesterday thinking about that, and turning around the vibration I was giving out, of using everything to punish myself. Things were starting to get softer. I dealt with a couple of situations under which I would have crumbled a while back. I was not so affected by what other people were doing or saying.

Day 46, today, I feel as if this flow of energy is deepening and becoming more powerful. There was one task in particular I was due to accomplish, and it went like a dream. I dealt with some human interaction in a way in which I was not ruffled or put out; I sailed through it; it didn't bother me any more.

Maybe on Day 45 I had my epiphany, after Day 44, my Dark Night of the Soul (one of several, but never so focused in terms of progressing with an idea and using the time-frame of 366 days to know that I would persevere, in a gentle way, with every lead). Today, Day 46, I am continuing the theme in a way in which previously the themes have petered out. There have been thousands of these ideas, and in relation to what I asked on Day 44, I have felt or known or maybe just hoped that one or other of them would be the thing that developed through the rest of my life. That became my thing, because now I am applying it, everything is turning around.

Day 45: Revelation

2012-02-14T23:46:00.002Z

The alignment in this is that before, I was using almost all of my physical circumstances to hurt myself; whereas now, I am taking that off.

I see now that I seized upon what I could use, and then it became my vibration. Then more came into my sphere which I could easily use for hurting myself.

Oh, you could name so many; and you can also name some circumstances which were good for me.

So now, I am playing this game. I have been doing it for most of the day, because I woke up with the understanding. Take those things off me. Make there nothing where there was something before. Free the environment; free myself.

I will practice more as time goes on, and I think by the end of tomorrow wow, I will have travelled further than ever.

Already there has been some good, which I am letting in. I hear those beating-up aspects as if now they are quite far away. I am working on this and getting an alleviating feeling in my upper body. I am unclasping my instruments of torture.

Day 44: Truly

2012-02-13T23:59:00.000Z

I feel as if I could receive that thing - what is that unique thing that is hovering close to my consciouness which I haven't - well, maybe I won't say anything about its elusiveness or its absence or that I have thought I am never going to get it; what is my task? What is my rôle? How can I feel better than I do now?

What is that unique contribution I'm supposed to be making? Yesterday I razed myself to the ground by creating a person who hates me; I can know my innocence, and yet I make a picture of my 'hideousness', as he once had said.

Why did I do that? Why did I get in such conflict with my daughter? Why am I scared to put a word wrong, blemishes on my vibration; I can't even write as myself because there is too much contriving and controlling, and what, truly, is the way through which somehow can make a mark upon this world; for if that is not possible, then I am not possible, and although I seem to exist, I cease to exist.

What is my voice? What is the thing I'm supposed to be giving that is more than just a handful of recipients? There is constantly this moral ridiculousness that censors everything I write and think; the rawness of who I am is in all my colours; that is acceptable; I poison myself with self-criticism and with bread...

Where is that breakthrough? In my crystal ball for a year's time, will I have done it? The joy is in the journey, and I feel as if I have not started. The joy could not be in the standing still; and yet, it was only this morning, feeling as if I had had enough sleep for once, that I spent some time just standing, just enjoying (joy) the sense of my own stability, calm, relaxed limbs and muscles.

Please, what do I need to do to give you what I am able to give? What do you want from me? What can I give you? What is it that I am able to give, which I could start giving, that you want only from me? You want it as much as all those people wanting Esther Hicks speaking; you want it in a way that there is no other person who can give it to you.

Just tell me what I can give you. I am spent, in a sense. I have been doing trying. Even when I coach myself into not trying, I am still trying. It was good to 'give up' yesterday. In extremis. At least this writing is somehow real, because I am not fashioning it in any way to 'try' and make it work for people.

Tired, spent, unable to give more. What is it that you want? What can I give? What would you rate like gold, that I can provide?

If I even let myself believe it is nothing, evening for one moment, then I shall disappear accordingly. I must believe, therefore, that I have something. Delusion? Naivety of biological cells assuming they are more. What is it I have? Can I answer this? Can I even 'try' to answer?

Sometimes I need a voice that helps me know what to do next. Sometimes I don't listen to it any more. I could conjure that voice to try and answer my question. Who cares? What is there to lose? Nobody and nothing. At worst.

1:41am and I have over-run my day. I am all out. What if.... What if it were my job to express all this? What if it didn't matter any more that I am who I am? Soon the bread will take over my metabolism and I will not be able to think clearly any more. I'll get this out before succumbing (this is currently rare, but I did that tonight).

If it were my job to express it, oh, I would be released. I hate the plastic smiles and sugary expressions of affection between people who have a lot more going on than that. My favourite tale is The Emperor's New Clothes. Well, that and the one about the princess who had to get into balance, but it would take too long to describe that one just at the moment.

A feeling even worse than before - that this is really, really bad. If I could just make a start. I don't know what to rely on. I anticipate those awful, patronising voices. The bread will take over soon. Maybe I can manage not to take the dogs out tonight (after all, it is nearly 2am). Should I make a start on writing - ah - how they will hate it! I will be wrong; I should be writing positive things. What is my job? Is it this or is it not this (and something I don't know)?

What if there is no answer? What is Alignment? I could stop here; but I can't, just in case. Please tell me what it is that I can provide. It may be that I am able, and then you will be able to have it. You hate the sound of my voice now. You turn away from my insecurity and negativity. Funnily enough I am not emotional, as I write this, in a self-pitying way. If I can just make the breakthrough. How gloomy with my daughter today. How can it be better? Ah - must I leave it at this?

I will give it a go, listening to a voice I have summoned. Let me allow it to speak (crazily, as I preview this piece on the blog page, these lines are lining up with Esther Hicks and Sheila Gillette in my 'sidebar'):

No, there is nothing. That's kind of a relief. It's part of not trying.

Day 43: What I've Always Wanted

2012-02-12T23:32:00.001Z

Today I found not only the possibility, but the experience.

Several times, and within a heightened physical drama (so coming about maybe in order to throw up the thing I most wanted), I was able tangibly to choose my deepest yearning.

Which is to yield up all control of any situation and have at last a moment of inner serenity.

Day 42: A Further Layer of Reality

2012-02-11T23:19:00.001Z

Here they are: I knew them years ago.

I didn't believe it myself, and stepped back from the task.

Now I feel them; all I need to do is let the words reach them, and any other forms of expression.

They have been waiting for me. Now I can address them as 'you'. In this obscure style of writing, I can bring in my awareness, without having to be so specific as to name names.

Yes, the task in hand is pre-ordained, by which I mean I chose it many years ago.

And I have waited until now to realise the expression of what I always had to do.

Day 41: I'm Through

2012-02-10T21:47:00.001Z

Norfolk light

Now the words must be different because they inhabit a totally different context; words are the medium to convey the experience of this now, and as representations, I am finding the ones that are close to and vivid about their subject.

It is good that there is not much to write 'about'. The view this morning, for instance, does not require a whole lot of words, but rather rests in the snapshot and resides in a feeling part of the body that can transmit ecstasy as a result of knowing it.

Magic and Lucy by the warm towel rail (photo by Gloria)

Just as my daughter knew what was being conveyed when she took this photo of Magic and Lucy; and some of you might know about it too.

Day 40: Questions and Answers

2012-02-09T12:35:00.000Z

Sure

The underlying confidence for this has been provided by Byron Katie. However, as I'm always saying, we all have different backgrounds (and paths), and therefore what works (if you'll pardon the pun) is often different for each of us. And isn't that a good thing!

Questions and Answers
Q: What is this feeling that I haven't got enough money?
A: It is a liquid energy which I perceive in my chest or heart centre.

Q: What is this feeling of being upset?
A: It is an energy in my chest cavity.

Q: What is the tension I'm feeling?
A: It's a sensation in my muscles.

Q: Where are the good things? - the things that aren't what I've been describing?
A: They are inside me too.

Q: What can I do about feeling so inadequate?
A: Look at the feeling of feeling so inadequate.
Q: OK, so what is it?
A: It is a liquid energy inside my body.

Q: How can I feel better? How can my life go right?
A: Look at the feeling of not feeling good, and of your life not going right.
Q: OK, what are those feelings?
A: They are a light kind of energy with movement inside my body from my throat to my solar plexus.

Q: Is this doing any good?
A: Look at the feeling of it not doing any good.
Q: OK, so what is that feeling. Of it not doing any good?
A: It is an energy with movement at the level of my heart centre.

Q: Can this ever get better?
A: Look at the feeling of it not ever getting better.
Q: OK, what is that feeling (like)?
A: It's an energy that flows from my heart centre down through the chakras and out onto the ground.

In greater proximity

Q: What can I do with all this? How is it helping?
A: Trust.
Q: So why did I devise this? What good is it doing?
A: It feels right. It is alleviating the tension of the painful feelings.
Q: But will this help my bank balance?!!
A: What is your bank balance?
Q: OK, what is my bank balance?
A: It's a kind of dream outside my head.
Q: Should that have been 'mind' or 'thoughts'?
A: It is what you feel it to be.

Day 39: Streaming

2012-02-08T22:50:00.000Z

In the morning

In this place beyond words, what will come?

I anticipate the massive relief of 'Here it is!'

I can spend some moments inhabiting this space.

Beyond words.

And therefore beyond thought.

Privileged to walk

Here it is; (I have said it!) I am here.

Today and henceforth, I could inhabit this silent place and allow that which I have always known to come through. And that was it just then.

Day 38: Colours

2012-02-07T22:44:00.002Z

The morning light today (unedited)

I was thinking why would people be condescending about the physical consciousness experimenting with life - when nobody (not least me) ever said I do not know my own energy and scope?

They do not see that I see through many eyes.

I am always surprised that they do not know I am talking about human experience and living the supreme reality: I see they think I am limited in my thinking.

I like the theme of green and gold

Ha! Some have a great way of responding to this. One said, 'Do not worry about me...'. I loved that for its independence and wholeness. I could use that.

The Narnia lamp at School

So do not worry about me (and I will thank her again); I know what I am doing.

Day 37: Just Ask

2012-02-06T21:32:00.000Z

Snow in sunshine this morning

At Christmas when I responded to stresses with an asthmatic reaction, I used a rare exhortation: 'Help.'

I've used it just a few times in my life, I think exclusively when in physical 'danger'. For instance, I tried to change the light bulb on my fridge once and gave myself an electric shock - I was determined that I should be ok - it wasn't really a 'please save me', but just a really familiar (though rare) sense of darting a prayer to universal energy in order to trigger the deliberate restoration of myself to myself. Another time, I swallowed something wrong and nearly choked - then it was a 'save me' kind of one.

I have occasionally wondered about using it, but have known that the situation was not extreme enough for my consciousness to know I could bounce out of it in this way. So in those circumstances it would not have been for real.

Grace, Raf and friends

This evening, I remembered about the prayer, or maybe it is an exhortation. The thing about using it these rare times over the years of my life is that I know when I do, it will work. It is an 'in extremis' resort, and it works without fail. It works: I mean, it restores me to myself, and I survive. I thrive. Abraham on my tape just at this moment said, 'My relationship with who I really am.'

So now I have said it again. It is about these particular circumstances which I have not really mentioned in detail over the 37 days of these writings. I may not mention them now or in the future, but writing the 'Help' down here focuses for me the fact that coming through this is central to the writing in this case; and Abraham has just said the words 'Focusing is not doing nothing.'

Mr Snowman

Now I have said 'Help,' I know I will shortly be through. That happened at Christmas: I was saying to myself, 'This may be over by tomorrow lunchtime,' but after saying 'Help,' it was over in a couple of hours, with the movement beginning almost immediately.

Out walking with Gloria and Jet

Here I go, then. I have now decided (apparently) that I am going through and will be out the other end shortly. I have seen that there is an 'out' for this. That there is a time when it is over and behind me. I have seen and I know that I have now focused myself into the outcome. And Abraham just said. 'I have the ability to focus my mind.'

Day 36: Ok to be Off

2012-02-05T20:44:00.000Z

Out of alignment - because you get back in.

An exercise to show how it can become unequivocally ok.

The context:
Not breaking through.
Pressure.
Anticipating patronising comments.
Isolation, detachment, separateness.
Weakness, lack of energy, powerlessness -
Sense of inadequacy with children; a day in the snow and I am lacklustre.
Self-criticism; inadequacy.

I don't want to do any proscribed exercises. It may well have been that getting me off on the wrong foot today. And yet, how would I trust myself?

Where shall I start? Taking the pressure off seems paramount. I mean relevant or important.

Feels as if the pressure is external. You get what you think about. I am in that place where I am wondering why such unbearable weight is on me. I have obviously built it up and built it up. I've been putting it together for many years. It is a feeling of doom, because for how much longer am I reaping the results? How much of a stockpile of kicking myself down have I built up?

The glimmer of light or relief in this is the idea that working through this could in itself be of value. If doing this were of huge value, then being out of alignment would be perfectly ok. In fact, it would kind of be a work sort of thing: I could take you through the process.

But there is a voice that says you can't do anything for anyone. First of all, I can't help because they have to help themselves; and secondly, I am not prominent enough to do it - I don't have a glossy website or catchy strapline, for instance. I seem to be waiting for the moment when the people will come along to resonate with what I have...

And this has brought me to the thing I thought might be wrong; which I have been thinking may have thrown me into this depressive gloom. It is the affirmation given to Esther Hicks by Theo, 'channelled' through Sheila Gillette. I thought maybe it wouldn't do for me because I am not in the same place as Esther was when she was given it. Now I am wondering. I could say it now and just see if it is right after all. I put my own name in: "I Anna Kasket see and draw to me, through divine love, those beings who seek enlightenment through my process. The sharing will elevate us both now."

It feels as if it might be this. I'll do it for a few days.

Day 35: Passing the Quill

2012-02-04T21:19:00.000Z

Hibiscus this morning

Here is my blog tonight written by Raf and Grace. Go.

Raf: Do you want to go first?

Grace: What do you have to say? Mum? What do you just say? Why are you writing everything?

Raf: Mum - Dad said it was going to be six inches of snow, and that's like this big. Look.

Grace: I'm really happy that it's snowing because it hasn't snowed for the whole year now, and it's going to be really thick.

Raf: [Grins]

Grace: I hope it snows in the morning, 'cos then... oh, and I hope it snows on Monday because then we won't be able to go to school.

Raf: No, but Monday's a good day because we have ICT.

Grace: Yeah, but still...

Raf: ...and we have sports.

Lucy

Grace: Yeah, but still, it's better if we don't go to school, isn't it?

Raf: Yeah, because we'll have a fun time at home...

Grace: It's like writing a book.

Mum: Is that enough?

Grace: Yeah.

Mum: I like that.

Raf: Yeah, it's really good, isn't it?

Day 34: The Sweetness of Here

2012-02-03T23:45:00.001Z

Energy petering out; only physical energy; finding the title brought me back to here; it is good to be restored in myself.

Many threads of focus in the tapestry of today. After all is said, I reside in my centre and dwell here before losing consciousness for the day and becoming available.

To all aspects of existence. Then I am a receiver of energy, and I tank up while having felt so good in allowing rest, but not humanly knowing how good I feel in receiving until it permeates the next day and things have become better and more significant.

Day 33: Smoke and Fire

2012-02-02T22:09:00.002Z

There was an incident with my woodburner last night, and the house was filled with smoke. We were all ok, and I thought to myself, 'This happened because things were going so well, and it was all multiplying, and several years' worth of thoughts are in the process of vocalisation, and I have a pocket of vibration in me that has now been exposed as representing how I occasionally feel I am more of a destroyer than a creator; more of a bad one than divine. So that happened. No-one was hurt and we all went to our respective locations with smoke in our clothes, attracting comments and eliciting the story of what happened.

The Abraham I was listening to that night was saying sometimes some things can show you that you are invincible.

When I arrived home this afternoon, I went to sweep up, and noticed what I hadn't seen before. The woodburner itself had completely come away from the chimney! There is a rare exclamation mark at the end of that sentence, because it was so astonishing to me; and my conveying of the wonder of it to the kids a while later didn't quite come off.

So instead of there being a sinister cause of the smoke, such as something going wrong that normally goes right (such as the wood being put in badly), something clear-cut and freakish had happened. The burner had come away from the flue. I didn't even think you could move the burner; I had thought it was somehow bolted on to the wall where the chimney comes through. But instead I discovered that it can be moved, and it simply fits over the chimney pipe and can be removed from it if necessary, for instance to clean.

I cleaned up the flue, swept up the debris, and put the burner back on to the pipe. I had thought I might not light a fire until the chimney sweep has been, but now having understood what happened, I lit one later that evening. As soon as the flame hit the firelighter, sitting on top of some coals and propped next to the kindling, it was drawn strongly through the flue and up into the chimney. The kindling caught, and I added logs and some more coal. It made the usual fierce noise of the rush of air, and the air outside was clear, and the flame through the glass door burned brightly.

I was leading up to what it meant. I had a feeling about what it meant, and I knew what the meaning was. It would just take some words to describe it. But as I was writing that last paragraph, I got the form of the words that I hadn't anticipated. It has kind of deepened the meaning that I already knew about; in the way in which it all has a meaning, and it is all metaphoric; even down to the clothes I wear and the food I eat, and where I go up into the woods to walk the dogs.

And the words are these:
"For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."

And as I cut and pasted the words, the fire in my woodburner got up, and the air was drawn strongly up into the chimney. And the 'now' from the words was actually the thing that happened in the past; and the 'then' is in fact now.

Day 32: Multiplying...

2012-02-01T23:55:00.001Z

...and so to bed.

Day 31: What If...

2012-01-31T20:39:00.000Z

Worry beads. Or do I mean rosary beads? That's interesting.

What if I never worried about anything again?

At the moment, this feels like the only thing that matters. It may be my lifetime Thing. Can it all be boiled down to this? From a feeling place, I'd say yes. That's what my instinct proclaims.

This is Day 1 of the next 30-day cycle, in Abraham-Hicks terms. Which, in their terms, would mean that I am now in the process of experiencing the results of doing the first cycle. The guinea pig thing is great for me. I was even doing it at home just now, as having cut out grains from my diet I have become incredibly wheat-intolerant and I just had some rice to see if it is wheat or grains or gluten - and I can refine (if you'll pardon the pun) the results from here. I'm not trying to make a badge or anything, but this is what my body is doing at the moment, and I love the clarity of a tailor-made diet; by which I mean one that is in perfect harmony with my physical body.

So back to the matter in hand. What if I never worried about anything ever again? I'm not being idealistic here. I can do that, because I can focus my thoughts. If a worry thought emerges, then I can focus and diffuse it. It's not to say I won't have them, therefore, but that I will no longer experience them as real.

And as I write, I am remembering this is what happened when, after years, I sorted out the panic attack thing (which must be a subset of the Thing). There were some nice books which helped a lot, saying things such as counting blue cars or remembering that it is your body responding chemically to something it thinks is danger, and so your brain also thinks it's danger. And this is sort of an entire life version of the microcosmic panic attack. Instead of counting blue cars, I could count my blessings...

Anyway, regardless of these tangents which are not all that important, I am now going to practice not worrying about anything. Literally, I inherited the condition; now I am to transcend it. That's what everyone does who is not a prisoner to their past, and who forges something new and becomes something greater.

Day 30: Cruising

2012-01-30T23:47:00.000Z

Serenity

This is how to get to the centre of the self:

The energy is a little different after a few hours; now, instead of noticing whether I have a headache from resistance, I am allowing the writing to stream forth and I am finding it flowing and going forwards; it is as if my own resistance was holding back the writing, and now I can allow it to move, move forwards, cover ground; it is out there; it is streaming towards my future.

On a certain subject, let's see: stream it out there; what does it say? it is saying I always have to trust in my intuition; I am right to trust my instinct and act on what I feel to be true; there is no other way!

Stream it forth; let's practice this, now; eyes closed, I visualise the stream of energy that is my writing moving forwards on the path - I see the path I take most days from the stile at the back of the small garden on to a way through felled trees to the dyke and then letting the dogs of their leads, turning left along the 'squares' walk, or right up to the woods and the hill and the walk up into the trees and along and down again.

I can use the feeling of this walk to stream my writing forwards; and the idea is that through this streaming, there is change and transformation; magic happens; keep going; the keep walking; trust; enjoy; and even now, celebrate.

Day 30: Resolving

2012-01-30T13:00:00.000Z

Now I'm on a roll.

Honing things to an idea, just as a jeweller would work in silver.

My words are my words.

Here it is:
I did it.
I rode all the waves.
I knew it would work out; I knew that, when I accessed what I really thought.
I practised the ease of it, especially in the closing stages.

Now I congratulate myself.
Now I am celebrating my accomplishment; I can keep celebrating that, whenever I want.
I am immeasurably relieved of the burdens I had.
I did it.
I knew how to do it.
I trusted myself all the way.

Day 29: Easy Perspective

2012-01-29T23:49:00.001Z

Pearl with Grace

Something to take me into my sleep: a step further, using the physical awareness I am developing; now focusing on a subject, progressing that area and delibrately creating by means of the easy contemplation.

I take the feeling of well-being and start to identify pockets of detail within that.

Here is one: the sense of 'Thank God for that!'

Feeling I have received what I planned and designed.

Being the proof of living in Faith.

Day 29: Why does it tense up?

2012-01-29T19:48:00.001Z

Raf playing tag rugby this morning

Now I have been doing this awareness of flow and ease for a few days, I am starting to identify the very physical sensation of going 'upstream' (an Abraham-Hicks term).

So if it is all flowing, and I am feeling good, then everything is calm and serene.

It is such a palpable experience. So fine-tuned.

If I start to turn upstream, then - as now, but not if I correct to describing rather than living - I feel it in my head. It's at my temples. As I write in this blog I am turned in a way that is easeful, and so I am not going to re-create the feeling for myself, but it's enough to refer to it; it is incredibly sensitive.

Here it comes; let it go. Let it go. Find the easeful alternative. Feel it in the head. So interesting. Between the temples. Is it calm, at rest, peaceful? Can I improve on the experience? What words can I choose to allow it to flow? If it builds up again, I am aware, and can diffuse.

I am sure that this is significant. I can say what I like - I am the one who experiences my own consciousness. It is only for me to say.

Day 28: Ah - More Goes

2012-01-28T11:47:00.004Z

Because I sometimes take a run at it and hit the wall; but I don't show the run; I'm going to show all the workings and that way you will understand when it goes through.

This writing may sound obscure, and I don't know who 'you' are, but that is how it's written.

So this morning, I will take a few runs at it, and then we can see what is working.

'You' have turned into 'we', although neither is an other-worldly thing.

Here goes, then.

First run:
Here I am wr...
No, that run hit a wall.

Second run:
My feelings are q...
No, it hit a wall.

Third run:
Omit the 'I' and...
A wall.

Fourth run:
Da di da di da not really caring what anyone else thinks of this I'm just writing the words that my consciousness wants to say: it's important for me to carry on with this because of the dramatic difference between hitting that wall of resistance and this, where the writing flows and...

Then I was going to say 'It's easy' ('and it's easy'), but it hit the wall again. That's because I was probably trying to explain to an audience.

Dance as if no-one was watching (or whatever). Yeah. Thanks for that. Ooh nearly did it for the audience (my lifetime's training), but I cut that out when I felt the wall approaching, or myself approcahing the wall. Very soon, I'll get back the voice I love, which goes off on all those tangents and feels as if it comes from somewhere that straddles here and everywhere, and this time and all time.

So I can't say 'thanks, everyone [for reading?]' because I'm not doing this for anyone. So then what? If I have nothing to prove then I don't have to be an enlightened sort of a person - I don't have to worry how I'm perceived by the new age brigade. It's all free, now. Free, easy money they keep saying on that wazzub thing that everyone's signed up for. Free, easy me, more like. Yeah.

Day 27: Getting Into It

2012-01-27T23:25:00.001Z

Raf's birthday card (photo by Raf)

I just used some really colloquial language and it all flowed. It is flowing now; I'm not sticking any more. My voice is colloquial - anything else is learned.

Or do I mean superimposed? Because of course language is learned.

So what flows is just allowing it to come forth as it wants; in my own voice; not formal; just saying the things I feel like saying.

Is that it? Is it really so simple? What will happen if I carry on like this?

Yesterday it was sticking and I'm not sure why, but the experience of writing was different. Maybe I was writing to be seen; whereas right now I am writing as it comes.

The reason I asked what will happen is that... now it sticks again... what did I do different? I was trying to explain something. What happens if I omit the viewer or reader? What happens if it's just me? I'll talk to myself about it. (But first I need to relax the tension in my head, to which I've become extremely sensitive now...)

No questions to be answered. Just talking. Just a sort of chatting that is going on with myself. Nothing to prove. This is how my thriving will come, and not because I have done something of which somebody approves.

Is that not good news? What do I want to say now? That I'm tired and need to go to bed. I so look forward to my hot water bottle and my bed, and my cats and the dog curling up at my side. The warmth and the softness of the mattress. The smell of the sheets. The self-contained context for my complete well-being.

Day 26: Rest

2012-01-26T22:12:00.001Z

When I reached the right word, which was 'here', I had only been able to use words causing serenity of; this is what is happening; I start; unwinding; no more; which way is there to go? simply listening to the easy; feel, felt in the muscles; my head; following this; so interesting the path to getting under; stopping when there is any; is there anything to; I know the task is finding always the ease; reaching a wall I; then another strand; exciting where this goes; a vocabulary will develop; all of a sudden it will flow in; there will be a new; a way to express that; always stopping as it; only writing where there is; flowing it; maybe another day, no; maybe another day always; no need to start that again; tapping into the mind; it; flow; no need to go in a difficult; always easing into the writing, and using; when it gets; I only write with ease; I relax; unwind; aargh too; I... take the words as; this as I; how about; any words? Can use; undoing, unbecoming; empty the; empty all the; make it empty of; no more; a space for; exciting what happens; if inte... tr...down; only good; use ease; only; ev; now; good; positive; cherishing; lovel; as Abraham said, love is a very loaded; may go to; may bath bed nice warm animals sleep rest easy easy mine using best allowing going that's best knowing my way.

Day 25: Light

2012-01-25T23:59:00.000Z

Fractal

Alleviating everything now in forms that will become new as they are generated.

Beginning with a discharging of anything trapped; I teach my consciousness to restore itself and become true and magical.

It is all here.

Day 24: Feeling the Creation

2012-01-24T23:16:00.000Z

Tree today

It is so easy to tell the way it wants to go. I can practice here. An extreme sensitivity to energy. Even the slightest movement has a quality; going the way it wants to go.

It is like falling, to a certain extent. Like dropping down to where there is life.

Treading the steps I am taking, I move with ease. Practicing feeling it. Teaching myself the sensation of it.

View at work

All I know is here in the sensation of walking the limitless path. I am practicing this knowing of sureness. The way to express is by picking the words that fall into place; just as I fell from observation into life.

Day 23: Allowing The Movement; Letting Myself Go

2012-01-23T23:24:00.001Z

Feeling rotten was from holding back. I'm sure it's that. Just as they (Abraham) say: you feel bad if you are not allowing yourself to go. I know it's that. Just treading the line where it was happening. So I know. All I have to do... It's easy, isn't it? All I have to do. I'm going to do it now. Letting myself go.

The harsh voice that has been holding me back says, 'You will never amount to anything.'

It smiles patronisingly as it watches the others who have overtaken me.

What energy is this? How can it exist? Have I conjured or created it?

Time to put that one to sleep now. My creation of this phantom harpy.

Almost too tired to think in phrases. It is not my audience for whom I write; just so I can allow the movement and let myself go.

Day 22: Passacaglia

2012-01-22T23:59:00.000Z

Returning to myself in an expanding way; now I am beginning my life for real. A sense of being held in time, within eternity. Becoming more familiar with what all this is. My journey. I thought it would be like this, and up to now experienced only in flashes, now experiencing each moment. And the moments are only experienced by me, now, here, within the context of all of this.

Day 21: Avignon

2012-01-21T23:59:00.000Z

Avignon

Day 20: Bring It On

2012-01-20T23:59:00.000Z

For the first time in this life, I see that it is not me they are attacking. I see myself instead. I feel good about acting in my own interests. I feel very good about choosing what I want, and expressing my choice to have life the way I want it. It is good to be thus empowered; and I thank them for what they did.

Day 19: Inspiration

2012-01-19T22:38:00.001Z

They are friends

The easiest thing in the world. Trees grow. Leaves fall. The sun lights.

Various moments where it seemed as if something had to be done; really, several of them. Instead of rushing forth, simply taking time to reflect and feel connected. 'I won't do anything about this just now.' (Abraham says "I don't have to do anything about this right now.") Lo and behold! There was a gentle nudge and I was off carrying out the best possible action. About three times this has happened; in each instance, the thought was a drag so I let it go, and then the impulse came from a warm, knowing place; it was easy and obvious; the action flowed.

What if nothing has to be polished and perfected in order to have value?

Day 18: Recouping

2012-01-18T23:59:00.000Z

Shouldham Warren: frosty morning

In the same way as I was able to take a short space and speak without effort, here I will write as myself, not proving and not worrying about the effect. There are quite a lot of expressions about what things are not, as well as what they are; but as I feel no effort uttering them, I will go ahead.

Round the corner

Now, having recorded the video, I am ready to sleep. I will take the dogs on a very short walk. I'll do my hot water bottle. I'm loving the way I am doing nothing for show. Why on earth should there be anything to prove?

Frozen logs

There is no energy for not much else. And that is ok. On this little bit of energy, I stream myself to the sequence that ends with a loss of waking consciousness. It is good to write and broadcast while in this space, instead of weeping with tiredness and self-pressure.

Day 17: Outing

2012-01-17T23:04:00.000Z

I am coming out. Almost unexpectedly. The day began as if it was going to follow the pattern of hopefulness turning to disappointment turning to resignation (although I must have been doing something other than that, not only to reach this point, but also to have achieved what I've achieved).

There was a seemingly less significant incident, that I now think is a cataclysmic one. In a good way. 'Out of nowhere' (Abraham always jokes that people think things are 'out of nowhere'); for which I did not strive, nor did I force it. It seemed inexorable in possibly a negatively fatalistic way; but now I come to think of it, that was a moment of breaking through a veil. In fact, with time, its hugely real quality will claim more of my consciousness, and I will dwell on it with ecstasy. See how I play with time.

Here is my film, also unexpectedly transformational. What a dour me there was that used to be (and I'm not saying I won't ever be dour again). In the light of this, I see how trapped I have been - by my own despair. And instead of it being a fascinating, romantic thing, actually it has only pulled me down; it has brought me down into an existence that matched its tightness and inflexibility. We are not now in an age where gloom is cool; everyone hungers for something more sustainable.

Day 16: Getting Aligned

2012-01-16T23:04:00.002Z

Ok, we'll try the same thing again today. I'm in the perfect place to start. Here is fear about money. Fear that I can't pay things. Fear coursing through my body. Latent terror. A feeling of 'It's not fair'. All those plans on hold, because I'm not in a place to create those things when I'm feeling like this. On hold for ever. Debilitating.

Wondering whether I'm doing this to explore. To plumb the depths; the extremes (hardly extremes, you might say, in the grand scheme of things). Extreme negativity. Fear. The worst. Pain at Christmas, with fear, and now fear ongoing.

As I write, feeling I'm failing; remembering the Abraham clip I listened to yesterday - your feelings are what they are. How could you expect them not to be what they are?

A pause to sort that link out. Where am I now? Feeling like a failure because I'm looking at where I am instead of where I'm going. That element of doubt of the whole thing.

I am cataloguing everything. This is a clever or a new thing. People can get every sliver of the feelings that are going on; they can see how it debilitates, how it moves, how it changes, how it gets better.

So I must believe it's all going to work out. Let's look at that. The horrible stuck feeling before it works out. Like driving the Landrover over that muddy stretch of track. I learnt how to look at where I was going, the drier land after the mud, and sure enough I wasn't stuck any more. I so easily drove the vehicle to the other side of the mud. It was no problem. No wheels spinning or car sliding and turning.

Can I do that now? I feel like I haven't the energy. Don't feel so good. Not one of those cheery writers. I've blown it. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull didn't have these sorts of moments. Or did he?

It goes on and on. I manage something financially, and... No, I can feel that I need to stay general. I am doing some work on this subject, and I am not being specific about it. Where can I go from here - I have no energy to push myself.

Tired. Weary. Too much to do. Too much ahead. People being hateful. No kindness. No-one here for me; is it even possible? Are people 'there' for other people? Are the husbands and wives and partners there for each other?

Why has it changed into this sort of writing? Is it getting under the surface? Was it all crap before? Is this sh*t me the real voice?

Now I am stuck. I don't want to apply effort to 'move up the scale' - I know effort is wrong; I know it. Whatever anyone might say; the preaching ones. Where can I go from here? My hands are cold. I need to take the dogs out; it's 10.15pm and if I don't get to bed in an hour or so, I'll find it so difficult to get up tomorrow morning (between 6 and 6.30). But I have to walk the dogs, and then I have to make the packed lunches. And have my bath.

And get more coal for the woodburner, or the room will be so cold in the morning.

Where can I go from here? I keep asking this question and there is no answer, so maybe that is the wrong question. How can I be? You can 'be easy on yourself', the answer says.

Ah. A little bit of relief in that. Be easy on myself. Sounds so good; so sweet. Yes, there is release. I'll listen for more. You can stop saying you've got it wrong.

You can take it easy. What? No, I can't. How the hell am I supposed to take it easy? Oh and by the way, the e-book is a total write-off now this is happening. I have no credibility.

You can be easy on yourself. You can stop beating yourself up. (Great clichés.) You can take time for yourself. No I can't.

Ease up on yourself. I don't believe you. No videos; no nothing. I suppose I ought to put the positive voice in italics, but no energy. You are so close. It says 'You' - that should be enough. Looks like the answer is about connection again. Like last time - yesterday. I felt better when I 'got my connection back' (a quote from an Abraham workshop).

So I'm just going to hang here in limbo, am I? Going a bit forward then a bit back. I never meant this blog to come out like this. Have I blown it?

I may let the voice have its say. That feels better. People don't usually write about the dark stuff transforming to feeling better and so on, so maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I'm good at describing how you feel when you feel bad. Then feeling better has some credibility. Do I mean that word? I'm... No, maybe it can have its say. (It can 'have its way' with me? - another quote.)

Allowing is ceasing to fight the voice that is telling me the good things. Ceasing to put up a fight. Feels like - surrender? Does that mean the worst will happen now? What if I just drown, then? What will happen? Yes, emotion in that one...

This is taking a long time. So much resistance, it seems. Would be good if it was an amazing breakthrough. What a bitch this morning - just so heartless. What... if... I... let it have its way with me? What if it can tell me what to do every step of the way? Tell me how I can be? Yes, Oprah. She said God has a bigger plan for you than you could ever dream. It's like lovemaking when you are tense. I'm having a déjà vu with this. That tension - it's defence - keeping a defence - awareness helps in the eventual letting go - just the idea causes some effect - what would happen (promising)? - if I could do it - I'm willing - to do it.

Cold hands. Letting it go. Just to take some time with it, so I can carry on after I've finished writing here. I know 'it's a start', but I want more than that. I know it starts off the energy, which can continue in a way automatically, but I want to get further than that. Ah. The lovemaking metaphor. Just before the defences go down, I shiver or tremble. I am cold - I am nearly feeling that. And who? What? Is it that wonderful way of being I'd hoped I would be living - the mystical one? 'Cos I always thought that's who I was, and it's as if the world said 'No, you're not one of them. You're not good enough to be one of them. They are the ones...'

Going back to my mediæval roots. Put that in for fun. The nuns who swooned and had raptures. Or the blokes too - Richard Rolle. And the Sufi things, though I've hardly read any at all. The trembling. Cold hands. Any minute now? Is it Jesus? Is it God? Is it - I can't remember the word beginning with 'n' - a mystical cloud thing?

I'd like to sleep. I want more than this. I'll go on the dog walk and let it all in. Have I done the task of aligning? Certainly feel better than I did. But it's not complete. I want more. Just let me have one more run at it:

Ok, so I open up to non-physical, in other words the energy of all-that-is; in other words, the love energy, the vibrant, mystical energy. Instead of that tosh about 'you should love everyone to be saved', I am the antithesis of that. I am opening to that energy. There is nothing I have to do or give. Hurrah! (That will sort out the money thing!) No longer do I put the requirement on myself to... can't even say it any more... now I am opening to all the energy. That's it. Irreversible. That's it - I've started it now. I know what it feels like. I am in the present; I only contemplate what is now. I open. It feels right - I have always known this. I open to it. There is only love to receive. That energy. That stream. Oh yes - I remember now it's the way of the mystic. I am not inadequate just because I've come to it the way I have. My path is original and essential. Surrender. Openness. Rapture. Welcoming. Relaxing. Allowing. Allowing. Letting it come. To me. Letting it. Dissolving. Releasing. Becoming conscious. Of what is really here.

Day 15: Releasing

2012-01-15T19:54:00.001Z

Computer-generated fractal

Why does everyone have to be perfect? Why is there that glazed, glitzy, artificial smile everywhere? Why do I have to perform in order to feel I have any value? Why can't I just be me being me? Why do I have to justify my existence and 'earn' my daily bread? Why are all these people better than me? Why do things keep going wrong? Why am I alive in a world where the rules of survival are not spiritual? Why do I keep trying so damn hard? Why do I feel like a failure if I'm not buoyant? Why have I made it a thing I can fail? Why can't I write properly? Why can't I perform properly? Why do I get caught up in a circle of self-criticism which includes criticising myself for being self-critical, and fearing I am trying to win approval by the very negativity I am putting forth? Why can't I be original? Why has everybody got there before me? Why have they got the monopoly? Why am I supposed to be happy (instead of just being happy, or calm, or peaceful, or quiet, or feeling good)?

Why can't I get it right? Why am I so old? Why did I do this? Why did I come? What on earth does it serve? Why isn't it supposed to be easy? Why is it supposed to be easy but it isn't for me? Why can't I be original? Why do I alienate people; why do I not have my place? Why (I feel) do I have to be artificial in order to take my place? Why can't I take my place by just being myself?

Why do I even bother with this? Why am I writing this - it is sure to result in something worse (but it might not)? Why can't I be creative? Why is everyone else being creative and I'm just sitting here not able to be creative and having no public voice to speak of? Why can't I find a way through? Why does it always have to be so damn perfect? Why are people false? Why don't they know what they're really feeling? Why do they gloss it over? Why am I still carrying all this around after a lifetime of it? Why can't I change things?

Fractal: purple

Why does everyone do it better than me? Why does Oprah do it better than me? Why can't I do it? Why can't I have a new life? Why can't I just start from now? Why can't all that stuff just go away? Why can't I wipe the slate clean? Why does it all hang around? Why am I landed with it, saddled with it? Why can't I get rid of it? Why does it have to haunt me (for so many years)? Why can't I be enlightened? Why does my being human and real not have an outlet? Why does my being real and not false not have an outlet? Why does being real and not false not have any place in the world?

I want to be popular. I want to be loved. I want to be successful. I want to find peace. I want to have a peaceful, easy life.

I don't want to have to do it for other people. I don't want the effort. I can't keep on.

Please could all of that just stop? Please can I carry on being real? Please can I thrive while I'm being real? Please can I not have to be something in order to thrive?

Underneath all that glitzy, artificial stuff is where I live. This is my home. Here is where I am - nothing to do with the show of it. Yes, I'll continue to do this, because it's a commitment. I don't know if people want something that I've got - if I knew, I'd give it, or give it with more confidence. Maybe there's nothing. So how do I thrive? It can only be through something metaphysical, because there isn't a single physical thing I can do that will allow me to thrive. Without annihilating myself.

Gold

I said I'd do it in public. I said I wanted to show day-to-day how things happen and how things turn out. This piece is part of that. So I'm doing what I wanted to do. Kind of in the groove of it. Real. It's like an experiment; not theory, not all that rubbish 'holier than thou' stuff I see everywhere (yes, I don't care if I see it everywhere and the fingers wag). It's all based on the idea that I'm day-to-day applying what I feel will allow the change to occur; it's totally based on the idea that things will improve; and I've been doing it for a very long time, and maybe it had to be done here and now and in public in order for me to be doing what I really wanted to do.

I hear that real and true and beautiful voice all the time I am writing this. Thank you, Abraham/Esther.

Day 14: Allowing

2012-01-14T23:56:00.001Z

All coming through. Here is a video I made without any rehearsal; not 'to the camera' so much as good in myself. It feels as if things are moving and foundations are shaking! I am after the reality behind the chatter, and words themselves can obscure this. Soon, words will come that express the reality; I am watching with keen anticipation; it is happening.

Day 13: Voice

2012-01-13T23:04:00.000Z

Day 13, I will sleep more tonight. I anticipate a move towards less demands. If everything were possible (and it is), I would simply sit here, tomorrow, and experience self. That's a way in, by talking it through. If I can have a go at that tomorrow, then I'll see what emerges. I'll see what gets created. Although I've been here many times before, this time I am demonstrating the process. In my confusion, I consider all the possibilities, knowing that what I will choose has not yet made itself clear; so it is good to know these possibilities are not the right one or ones.

When I find my voice, I will begin using it, knowing that it is my expression in the world. I am determined to be original. I do not say all the things that have been said before. I don't parrot some other things. It is nearly here. I nearly got it then. You wait till it comes out!

Here it comes, in a sort of a way that I wanted it to come out before, and it sort of tried to come out, but it wasn't able to. This is profoundly moving:

Day 12: Coming Through

2012-01-12T23:00:00.000Z

Log splitter par excellence

What a joy, slicing through my logs with this wonderful contraption! I've even made lots of kindling, and Raphael helped.

There's something coming through, beginning let's say around the early evening. Time doesn't come into it, though.

I'm looking forward to expressing it; shan't do so, though, at this time of night when I can feel tiredness' print on my senses and mind.

Instead, I'll waffle for a bit about images and events from today: here is my house viewed as I came in through the garden's back gate with the dogs, after my walk tonight.

Home

It's so warm and welcoming and inviting. I love this divine view, showing how well placed I am in my territory.

Jazzy the dog is snuffling through her couple of missing teeth. Pleased to say her infection is clearing up, though the vet commented she's underweight (there's greyhounds for you), and I should perhaps feed her lots of treats to try and get her filled out a bit. We're going to have fun with that; out of bounds for Jet the lab who will eat anything and everything!

In my box

And Gloria and I couldn't resist taking some (more) snaps of Lucy the kitten looking adorable. She discovered a small box on the table, and settled in nicely. Lucy and Magic have great fun around the house, scampering and racing everywhere; not long to go before they'll be allowed out - might give it a wee go at the weekend. And so finally, here's Gloria giving her a cuddle, on her way to bed this evening.

Cuddles

This kind of relaxing is so good for the soul. I'm allowing it all to come through. Looking forward to the expression, just as I used to sing and feel complete. Come to think of it, I was singing this evening, preparing for tomorrow's choir lesson at my children's school.

Day 11: Relief

2012-01-11T23:51:00.002Z

Fractal

The sense of balance is worth focus, tuning; instant relief from any out-of-kilter disharmonies.

Once I have established balance, I can look within to the self, and see how easily I rest in myself; this rest striven for, now natural and always having been waiting for me.

Just these few little minutes achieve hours' worth of striving to feel better. If I can believe this, I make progress. Just a few minutes, or some seconds to re-align.

Magic in the kitchen

When the kittens come to see me, I make a connection between what is potential and what appears: it is the most-wanted experience. All of it can be this simple. In its simplicity, though, is also contained the profoundest fulfilment.

Day 10: Being Loved

2012-01-10T22:41:00.000Z

Green infinite fractal

The stillness in this moment can be explored with words. Such habits of chatter there were, that can be unlearnt! A different mode of being to take the place of intellectual ratiocination. There I go again, but it is different now: I use the words with delight and I'm not trying to prove a point. It's kind of a quote, too, in self-deprecation, but I can't remember where (Joyce?).

Yes, I enjoy my background of thought and music, and also of perspicacity; although I have doubted it all so much that it has come across as apologetic and not up to the mark. When I love what I do and how I am, I can be as highbrow as I like, and it's ecstatic.

Here is a video about love: for once, I don't need it any more. I have it, you see.

Day 9: Tuning

2012-01-09T22:49:00.000Z

Raphael on his birthday: one skate on

Tuning myself to myself. Just as the strings of each note on a harpsichord need to agree. If they don't, there is a beating of discord.

It is Raphael's 8th birthday today. We had presents, a chocolate cake to take to school, and much excitement. I'm sure he won't mind looking sporty and boy-ish in front of his sister's doll's house and chair!

When I tried to impress someone, I felt empty and tense. I took a while to bring myself back to myself.

Still life with pumpkin

Once again, here is a still life from the evening here. The lighting and candles are very friendly towards the iPhone camera. I love the stillness so much - it is as if time itself can expand beyond the moment and create space for the self to thrive. Do you like the little pumpkin? It has lasted since Hallowe'en.

When I am fully aware of being fully here, there is only the present moment.

Day 8: Aligning with Alignment

2012-01-08T21:22:00.002Z

The race

Oh yes - this blog is about alignment!

What shall I write about? Oh yes - bringing it back, feeling it in the body, the heart energy space.

The difference between straining at the race, and enjoying every minute of the race, the stretch of the body and will I do better than before?

Every minute is this fork of awareness; put it in here, in where it resonates with the self and connecting with that openness.

Easier

At the moment, and although there is vitality in a new day's creations, I need much, much more of what will ease my aching muscles. If you take the last ten years or so, I have lifted enough weight to require as much again releasing and putting it all down now.

I must do more of this. In the past, my body told me I was greedy and self-indulgent by becoming lethargic; but now I know that I owe this to myself; my body will thank me from the bottom of its heart, and I will start to get better.

Day 7: Relief/A Kind of Thrill

2012-01-07T18:00:00.000Z

Gloria and Sally

More and more practice. Just like singing, or a piano piece. In a natural way, because if you force it, then there is some strain.

Practicing being in a place where life comes towards you. Life infiltrates your awareness, and you accept its energy.

It's a physical experience: like the air in your lungs.

Cooking

It feels like the deflation of trying, and the fresh, pure inhalation of all possibilities. That's why with the absence of tension, or in a forward-looking way with the presence of vitality, comes a little form of excitement. You can have a fresh Columbian cappuccino, if you are tuned in to your body, and feel that little tripping happiness. And you can also get it without the cappuccino, or in a forward-looking way by allowing yourself not to have to try.

Lucy

It is the little thrill of all the potential probabilities.

Day 6: Serenity

2012-01-06T21:09:00.001Z

George and his box

George is trying out the box. It's time to take down the decorations and restore the room. Why would I tense against the task ahead when it can flow easily; just as Jon who does fences happened to arrive ten minutes after I got home at lunchtime today, and mended the fence that the tree broke?

I can use this time here to release any bracing. It doesn't matter what it is. I can recognise that it sits on me; and therefore I know what I don't need.

The still place is in the heart of me. Taking it all down to a much less exaggerated energy. Breathing more freely, as you do when you experience moments of relief. A sort of a breath in that was waiting to be taken, and then there is more air to expel than before.

Pearl with Gloria

Pearl, one of the other cats, is often to be found on Gloria's bed. This is helping me dare to become still. Becausefor a few hours, a grip has been holding me. It doesn't matter what it was. IfI find the flowing place, with an awareness now in my throat centre, in otherwords starting to diffuse through me, then I can go on my dog walk and deepen,become more of the feeling.

Day 5: Trees and Lakes

2012-01-05T21:47:00.000Z

Tree through the fence

A tree fell down last night. I was out walking the dogs in a high wind. My daughter Grace rang me on my mobile and said she'd heard a loud noise, and was there a storm? I thought it was just some big corrugated iron pieces rattling in the wind next door.

In the morning at 7am, Grace called out to me, 'A tree's fallen down!' It had crashed through the garden fence and into the garden. I worked with the feeling that came up first: 'Now what do I do?' I got myself into a better place; I calmed myself down. There was a knock on the door. It was Jodie. 'Do you want me to cut it,' he said, 'so you can get out?'

He chopped some lengths out of the fallen tree trunk so that I could drive through and take the younger children to school. Angels live in ordinary places, unobtrusively.

I took the dog to the vet and it turns out it's a bit of an infection in her eye; it hadn't quite cleared up and that's why it was getting worse, but we've got some new stuff for it and she's so much more comfortable. She really enjoyed her walk tonight.

This is Jazz on the walk:

Jazz

And this is the moon (it isn't actually full, but the camera thinks it was):

Moon

This is another of the fallen trees on the way back round. Are you getting the picture?

Fallen tree in the dark

And this is Ullswater, in The Lake District:

Ullswater, Cumbria

I started thinking today that I could book us all a weekend there to celebrate my birthday. When I went climbing round these Fells in my teens and twenties, I would look at the view and see Narnia stretched out.

I'd forgotten about that till now.

1968 edition of The Magician's Nephew

Day 4: More Specific

2012-01-04T17:47:00.001Z

My 1967 edition

This is my little book that I first read when I was around 7. I remember sitting in an armchair reading the death of Aslan, and thinking 'This is the first time I've cried reading a book.' Noticing how I was feeling. One of the most special experiences ever.

It was nice to get the postcard as a thank you card at Christmas (see previous entry); it led to my seeking out and photographing my original paperback. A tangible object: I love the worn feel of it.

More specific; from nebulous to tangible. My choice of word! Over Christmas I was being 'nebulised' with oxygen and some stuff because I couldn't breathe. The storm before the calm, as Neale Donald Walsch has put it (here [UK] and here [US] - I haven't read it). Perfect trajectory leading to now, where I draw all my life breaths.

The Crab Nebula (M1, NGC 1952, Taurus A)

The world of the imagination is heart-gentle to inhabit. The tangible world can turn out in a good way, you know. Then it gives an enchanted realm of sensation. It could be a kind of a conscious euphoric swoon to inhabit.

Day 4

2012-01-04T13:39:00.001Z

Gloria

Gloria coming in from her run.

Check in. Voice still there. Requires attention; bringing it in to the body; heart centre.

Practice: she is running for a cross-country race on Sunday. I am practicing myself. Requires focus. Energy controlled in an easy way.

Gloria was given Paula Radcliffe's book on running by a family friend. How kind.

A thank-you card

My book on alignment would be... 'How to bring yourself back to yourself.'

'Back' might need modifying. It's work in progress.

Day 3: Manifestation

2012-01-03T23:12:00.000Z

Many words are covering what I know.

I will take a truer course.

I will start to say it with a voice that hasn't spoken much.


Woodburner and ashes

There is a burning of creation.

The voice itself is what has come into being.

I thought there was nothing; when all this was brewing.

The depth inside is stronger than any amount of material things.

I had thought there wasn't much; now I am getting it; I should not fear to keep it with me; now I will see things.

Day 3

2012-01-03T13:18:00.000Z

All the keys: to various compartments, and a heart saying 'Mum'.

I am a Volvo parent!

It is raining today; a sweet, drenching, winter rain. Very mild in the UK.

You can make out the reflecting light on the path. There is the gate by which we enter and leave the garden. My desk is lit by natural light at the moment; the copper colours from outside are infusing the light in here.

I am aligned with the easy light of this day.

Day 2: Manifestation

2012-01-02T23:46:00.000Z

1988. South-East London. This is my manifestation for today, only Day 2. Oh, and a few other things as well. But this one is really it.

As I write, I have been deleting the words, because I am getting so close to myself.

I have been somewhat rusty. I have been plain and passionless. I have been forgetting nearly everything.

Even more than music - which was a part of it - this is a greater reality. It gives the quality (and if I get this expression, I have got it all for now) of the giving of the soul in the rapture which is pure conscious awareness; it is the only reality; the giving over of the love-awareness.

Let me give it, then. As ever.

Day 2: Office; Desk

2012-01-02T22:12:00.002Z

There is a reason for outlining this development.

It became softer and warmer; gentler and more like a work of art.

Office was good: it jogged along and time was full of accomplishment. I thought I would write, but I didn't.

Desk is here and now: the cup has a soup I just made with about seven vegetables, ginger and ground almonds. It is good for my body-soul, I like creating this kind of nutritional alchemy.

The reason is that even though there was a picture, it doesn't exist any more. What exists is the body-soul fusion. And Here. And now.

Day 2

2012-01-02T10:30:00.000Z

Bustle and sunshine in the kitchen. Domestic is ok. This is the view from here. Lunch in the oven. Loads of interruptions.

In the space in between, there is Self. This being interacts with the perceived environment; creates an inner and an outer world; achieves equilibrium.

As I write, it calms down! My daughter goes off on her run, red t-shirt disappearing into the view you see there. The kittens have finished munching and are now playing. My lovely lady who cleans is cleaning somewhere and finishing off. The other two children are with me in that I can feel them, and yet they are also off in another room.

The old doggie at my feet is contemplating - well, it is not for me to say. Her time will be her time.

My time is mine to explore, and I am settling into it.

Day 1: Manifestation

2012-01-01T22:54:00.003Z

A full day, because fully conscious in those moments I am conscious.

At the end of the day, my body is full, my mind is full, and my thoughts are free.

I am more expanded; I am more seeing of the good things.

Connection is the buzz for today. Connection weaving through my day.

And health. Care for my body; nurture for my body.

Day 1: Now I Know Pretty Much

2012-01-01T14:12:00.003Z

This Day 1 my life starts here; all other references are gone.

It is me who is in control and in charge; all other references disappeared.

It is me who is doing the feeling; no other points of reference.

Now it is me who creates the point of reference; there is no more to say.

Day 1

2012-01-01T02:10:00.002Z

Yes, you can call this a day, though it's two in the morning.

It's the start of my Alignment, for sure.

Did someone say I was this or I was that? Surely not. Do I say who I am? Well yes, of course.

Physically, let me feel who I am: let the components of my body be in their Alignment just as much as my thoughts are in the stream of my Energy.

Is it possible to feel the greater Self? Yes! It is where all that mystic light resides and shows itself in translucent ways.

Preface

2011-12-31T15:57:00.003Z

Here I am before the first day of my exercise.

Once again, the brief is not to worry about others' opinions.

Why am I doing it? To express myself. To see what I can do. To see whether any changes occur, and thereby to live the truth of reality. Let me put it in another way: less overt. Writing as I want to write, daily, and seeing whether my outer world reflects what is going on in my inner world.

My inner universe has been troubled and turbulent. Let me put it in another way: less showy. I have not been at peace for very long. Some things are free; but other things grind on under the surface, enough to be affecting all the outcomes.

I have written in verse, and I have written in dialogues. I have written prose and experimented with a darling way of writing that I love. This way starts to assert itself (is that right? Too aggressive?) as soon as I am in my flow.

I am imagining that this voice of mine will assert itself as the days go by. And then what? I have given up on it lots of times. I have tried to preserve an outer shell. I've been a certain thing because I thought that certain people ought to see it.

This time it is the beginning of me. I will be half a century on the earth on Day 23. I am sure that has some significance. I remember being disappointed that Richard Bach had to wait until he was 48 to find his 'soul mate'. Now it doesn't seem all that old. Or that my fellow undergraduate at Oxford said 20 was too young to write a novel. I could probably have written five or six novels by now. Like some of my fellow undergraduates at Oxford have now done. They have become actresses and musicians, made documentaries, published academic books and pushed forwards the boundaries of 'science'. They have worked hard, and thirty years of work have resulted in major achievements.

I am just starting out. My headmistress at school told me 'The world is your oyster.' She was being personal, not general. How much regret I have had that I did not fulfil the promise! But now there is a way to go in which all those years have been in their correct place, biding their correct time, and building up to what is happening now. I shall see it to be. I shall know my place.

Prelude

2011-12-31T12:56:00.001Z

If one thing were to take me in its arms, it would be, 'Be easy on yourself.'

Look how the self-criticism tears apart the very fabric of existence. It is as extreme as that. I can build myself up, just as one who is convalescing can get stronger and stronger.

It is only a learned habit. Sometimes people enjoy it, because it takes the onus off them. But I am not here to cater to their so-called needs; even the young ones. And also the old ones. Instead, it is time to build myself up.

What is the point of being so small, and yet still apologising? If it is to self-negate, then it has become almost dangerous. When that gets to the physical level, I can no longer acclimatise to the pain.

Here is therefore a starting-point, and I do not dwell in it. I am launching myself, and this is just the point of departure. Just to set the record straight. To know where I have come to, and now, to move off.

Preamble

2011-12-29T23:16:00.001Z

Strip away the posing, posturing and guaging who is looking, and what do you get? If there is no judgement, what do you say? If you do not flinch at even the thought of someone's reaction, then who do you become?

Alignment is being who you are, in your purity. It takes practice. It is a return to self, untailored, real, unrestricted.

It feels good in every cell of your physical body. It is a healing state. It is a release and freedom in your emotional experience. It is palpably life-enhancing.

I will practice my alignment through writing every day. Sometimes my writing has taken the form of a dialogue between me and my 'Inner Being' - the greater expression of myself beyond space-time. The dualism of this has caused me to rock to and fro between peace and turbulence, at times. This way, using only one voice, may unite the greater and the human aspect of myself more efficiently. It is certainly causing me to feel better in this moment. I am moving towards the serenity that calls me. When I have it, I will then see how my environment transforms.

I will use these three days before the New Year to prepare myself for a year of creative birthing. I am accessing the deeper parts of myself in order to start, at last, to fashion my life as I want it.

Yes, the physical body is calmer and stronger. The breathing is easier. The mind is clearer, and the vision is beginning to form.

I am done for today, and now I will rest.